Eyes Pulled Open?

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It's been a tumultuous month for me, to the point where I am currently wishing everything going on can be settled and put behind me. Because right now, I feel terrible. I want things to be settled.

Over December I had been working as best I could to complete coursework for my first year in a BA Architecture course, and the results I am guessing are sub-par (I had un-backed sheets (all tracing paper), quickly-made title pages, sheets missing, some sheets partially-done just to prove I had actually attempted them.) I'm not sure how well I did in the exam when I came back but overall over and after that break I have been struggling to stay interested in some of the work. Some days pass where I promise myself to work, but don't in fact get anything done.

I'm grinding my teeth, feeling sluggish, haven't felt positive, and content to sit in my room or lay on my bed. Rough patches in my life I am handling less well as how I did before (before I used to maybe shrug it off after a couple of hours, these days a hiccup can make me feel miserable for a good several hours and is enough to put me off working)

I've come to the conclusion that I am not cut out to go down career paths related to Architecture. I can't cope with the rigid method of traditional design (and CAD work I worry won't be any less time consuming), the projects just don't feel suited to me (most of this current one I'd rather skip). I look in my sketchbooks, my game lists, my favourites gallery, my own gallery and the people I watch.

How I came to decide last June I still wanted to be an architect I have no bloody clue. Because it certainly doesn't hasn't shown up in my interests pool over the past 2-3 years. I look further back; an unpublished novel, growing interest in Stargate and Mass Effect, Bristol Comic Expo, meeting Anne Stokes. My talks with my friends from my Applied Science course. Simcity, Cities XL, Spore, the list goes on and on and almost screams to me that it wasn't the buildings I cared about.

This realisation has unfortunately hit me unfathomably hard. I don't know what it was before that kept me going (probably the illusion that Architecture was what I was destined for) but when you go on a tour of a department completely separate from what you're doing now, giddily grinning like a child in an all-you-can-eat sweetshop as you are told what that course involves and what to expect, what more is there to say? Am I delusional about this new prospective course or is it truly what my mind desired? The course leader I met at the campus looked though but a small selection (about 20 pictures) and felt that I was the characteristic type of person to undergo a course in CG arts and Animation (what I am looking into).

I think my current mood is the realisation that these past six months working towards the end of this academic year have been largely fruitless. While I have made a healthy number of friends and acquaintances here in Canterbury, I realise that deep down, I do no have the ideal mindset. I'm a creative, practical and free-flowing person. Precision drawings may be nice for some people but I like more free-flow drawings and designs.
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